See From Space

Inspired by the book The Ape that Understood the Universe by Steve Stewart-Williams, available now from Cambridge University Press.

This is inspector Zorg, reporting back

To the galactic order on assorted facts

Collected on the planet in the 42nd sector

Where the radio waves were detected

As directed, I came to investigate it 

And see whether an intelligent civilization

Had emerged, and determine whether it’s worth

Establishing a diplomatic channel with earth

Which is still in its late juvenile phase 

And remains likely to self-annihilate

So I made an assessment of the entire range 

Of the planet’s native biological agents

The most common is a basic single-celled 

Liquid dweller, cells that stick together

Form colonies of trillions called “bodies”

That develop from single-celled progeny

You already know, natural selection 

Designs organisms to maximize descendants

And the life forms here are no exception

All descended from a common ancestor

Including one ape species that’s an oddity

The radio waves came from its technology

And you’re not gonna believe it on Betelgeuse 

But these apes often choose not to reproduce

In fact, most of their time is wasted 

Emanating strange noises from their faces

Instead of baby makin’, sonic arrangements

Of which this report is a demonstration

Can you see?

Can you see from space?

Every species of ape

Comes from the same DNA

Genes rearrange

‘Cause they don’t breed the same

Some genes make brains

Where memes compete and change

And these days

Apes can see from space

This bipedal ape species, these “humans”

Don’t even have tentacles like Betelgeuseans

Its limbs are modified fins 

And its jaws are just modified gill slits

It’s a mammal, it’s got mammal habits

But it’s actually just an adapted “land fish”

And like fish, each one has two parents

Each one of two morphological variants

Male and female, they’re called sexes

And with some exceptions they behave different

The males are physically bigger and more aggressive

More prone to stupid risks and more reckless

As expected, that’s what mammals are like

Females reward the winner after the fight

Or choose among contenders selectively

While males mate more opportunistically

Except in these humans 

Females display too, and males do some choosing

Especially when investing in offspring

And long-term costly signaling of monogamy

Humans are odd things, I tried to determine

Whether each behavior comes from instinct or learning

Just don’t ask them which is which

They don’t know, and they find the question offensive

Can you see?

Can you see from space?

Every species of ape

Comes from the same DNA

Genes rearrange

‘Cause they don’t breed the same

Some genes make brains

Where memes compete and change

And these days

Apes can see from space

These humans evolved their brains in odd ways

Wishful thinking makes them fall for con games

Betelgeusians evolved to know ourselves

Humans evolved to blame flaws on someone else

And take credit for gains, they jockey for status

Overdosing on calories, adapted to famines

They’re phobic of absent snakes and arachnids

With no fear of traffic or cigarette ashes

Most believe in telepathic gods and ghosts

And pretend to know things they obviously don’t

They form coalitions and reject evidence

If the facts are a threat to their tribal memberships

And yet, they are master cooperators

Space station making disease eradicators

They display a primitive collective intelligence

And sometimes even assist non-relatives

It’s amazing, what these apes have achieved

Their brains are a teeming accumulation of memes

Ideas, tactics and tool-making schemes

Which remain unmastered until their late teens

They only just found out how evolution works

And how it illuminates every mood and urge

Just give ‘em a few years and they might deserve

The name of Ape that Understood the Universe

Can you see?

Can you see from space?

Every species of ape

Comes from the same DNA

Genes rearrange

‘Cause they don’t breed the same

Some genes make brains

Where memes compete and change

And these days

Apes can see from space